Words I Never Said: A Letter to My Big Brother

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About a month ago, on May 3, 2014, someone that I love was shot and killed. His name was Keelin Brandon Broach, and he was one of my big brothers on my father’s side. He was the baby of the bunch until I came along. 🙂

Growing up, I remember him living with me, our father and my mother for a while and I remember always being excited while I was around my big brother. As we got older though, distance grew with us. He came around less and less, and pretty soon, we had no communication between us. It wasn’t long before I would go to family events, see my brother and feel like a stranger around him.

I would always ask myself “Why?”

“What happened?”

My big sister TK & brother Keelin

I always wanted what society calls the “perfect family.” Parents who were loving to each other. Protective big brothers who would keep me out of harm’s way. Cool big sisters who would show their little sister the way. But that wasn’t in the cards for me, at least not in the way I would have pictured it.

A s a little girl, I would yearn for closeness with all of my siblings (there are five of us total). It always felt like no one wanted the same relationship that I did and I guess that was because I was just a “little girl” and they were all grown. Who knows really? But between my big brother and I, it seemed as though things became even more awkward when our father and my mother got divorced when I was 12, back in late 2003.

Lots of times, we wouldn’t even speak to each other. We’d be in the same room and there’d be no communication. I would always wonder why he would walk past and not speak to me, I mean I would rack my brain with all kinds of answers and could never come up with anything. It started to really take a toll on me because I couldn’t understand what was happening. And what’s worse, I held all this in for so long.

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When we all got together, it would be so much fun and I would feel so much happiness in my heart. I love my siblings and it bothers me that we would go so long without talking to each other. I’m grateful for my siblings, and now that one of us is gone, it makes me appreciate the way my family is even more. Who cares if I don’t have the perfect family? The way I see it, my family is interesting as is. God doesn’t make mistakes, and I realize that the saying is important in ALL instances. I appreciate the family that I have; it’s better than no family at all.

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So to my brother Keelin, I want to apologize. I’m sorry I never told you how I felt. Me expressing how I felt could have led my big brother being in my life. I’m sorry I let pride keep me from saying anything. I’m was afraid to say anything because I was worried about the possibility of you not caring, but now  realize that just for the sake of getting things off of my own chest, it would have been best.

I wish I would have taken that chance. Now that you’re gone, I realize how useless it is to hold feelings in, especially when it’s about something so important. When you consider the fact that people really can be here today, gone tomorrow, it kind of puts a new perspective on things. It makes me not want to waste anymore time. When something is on my mind or if something is bothering me, I will waste no time in sharing it.

Sometimes I wish I had more time, but then again, who’s to say that I didn’t have enough time while my brother was here. He was given 31 years on the Earth, and yet I didn’t seize any opportunity given to me to just take some time out and talk. Just proof that people waste so much time not taking care of what needs to be taken care. This in indeed a lesson learned the hard way.

Rest peacefully, big brother — I’ll always love you. ♥

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