Exactly one year ago was one of the saddest days of my life. I was standing in front of a judge watching my marriage officially & legally come to end. I was standing across from a man who had essentially become a stranger to me. Someone I had known since I was 19. Someone I had loved for 4 years; and that may not seem like a long time but it’s the longest I had ever been with anybody. Someone I expected to grow old with. The months leading to this day last year were some of the most melancholy. My heart was heavy and after it was over, I felt empty inside. I often wondered how did I get to where I was and how would I ever move forward. I took personal blame for the whole situation and pondered if there was something more I could have done, something else I could have maybe fixed.
The day of our court was the first time I had seen my ex husband since he had left me two months prior. I had this unsettling nervousness. I didn’t want him to see me break down and cry so I made sure that morning that my outfit was cute and that my face was beat. I wanted to come off unbothered, as bad as that may sound. After all, I wanted to show him that since he was leaving me, that he was the one making the mistake. It goes without say that I was crushed on the inside.
After we exited the courtroom, we tried to avoid each other but of course that failed. We were on the same elevator and on the way down, I was hoping he wouldn’t say anything to me as it was becoming more difficult to restrain my tears. That also failed. He began to talk to me and I found it tough to respond. I was feeling all of these various emotions at once and wasn’t really sure of what to say. He told me that this situation hurt him just as much as it was hurting me, which felt like a lie. He told me that no matter what, he would still always be there for me, which felt like another lie. All I could think was how he could offer to be there for me now, AFTER the divorce? It didn’t make sense to me.
Right before we got off of the elevator, he asked for a hug and since all I still wanted was him, I gave him one. Both of our eyes began to fill with tears instantly. We both proceeded to leave the building but not before stopping to have one final talk. Another hug, more tears, and then we went our separate ways.
I didn’t think I would make it. I was heartbroken and depressed. I would cry all night long and then wake up with puffy eyes and a headache. I didn’t see myself healing from this situation because I never even imagined being in this situation in the first place. My spirit was broken and I let the devastation consume me. I even entered another relationship without giving myself ample time to heal.
God had other plans for me. He had great plans for me. God took me through that period of brokenness, loss and lack for a reason and today, I’m so much stronger for it. Yes it hurt, but I’m better now. I’m in a good headspace currently & I made it through. God blessed me with awesome friends and family to help me get through one of the lost trying times of my life. I may have taken a loss, but it’s not the end of my story.